THE INTRINSIC SUPERIORITY OF WALLOWING WITH FAT DOGS

 
         Scientists say that all dogs evolved, ultimately, from wolves.  They evolved along with us, and as we made our journey from Neanderthal and Cro Magnon,  the wolves produced the Cocker Spaniels, Poodles, and pooches of today.  The difference, of course, is that wolves are still around while cavemen are found only in peat bogs.

         The argument about the superiority of dogs vs. wolves goes back to prehistoric times, when the first dogs were hired by early farmers to keep the rabbits out of the corn and the wolves away from the sheep. The argument has never been settled, and today, a growing number of people have decided that running or dancing with wolves is more New Age and Politically Correct than wallowing with fat dogs.

         I'm not anti-wolf.  I like many things about them. They're beautiful, with their lovely bushy tails and engaging smiles.  They howl nicely.  Sometimes, after a full moon, they turn into interesting people, like Jack Nicholson.  They run off Bambi and Thumper and the other predators who want my garden.

         Dogs, however, are even more multitalented.  For instance, my dogs are specially bred to lie on my feet and keep them warm on cold nights when I'm watching t.v. Can a wolf do this?  No. A wolf would fidget, distracting me from my show.  He would jump up every few minutes to chase the mice that like to explore the kitchen in the evening.  He would polish off all my cheese and crackers.

         A wolf is unlikely to take food from your hands without biting off a couple of fingers, having great difficulty with this area of specialization.  Statistics show that the average wolf owner has only 3.2 fingers, while dog owners have 7.8.

         A wolf is no good at taking a walk.  He'll either eat the leash and run away, or he'll insist you run with him.  My dogs know how to waddle.  Although it takes a backhoe to get them off the couch and out the door, we can have a pleasant mosey around the block together, stopping frequently to admire various trees, fence posts, fire hydrants, and other people's tires.

         The tendency of wolves to prefer running to walking is one reason some people feel they're superior.  Running, after all, requires the purchase of expensive running shoes, running outfits, walkmans, and knee and varicose vein surgery.  The major corporations and the American Medical Association have been trying to brainwash us into running more, and many people have fallen for it.  Wolves are largely unemployable, apart from the occasional commercial for running shoes or movie role.  Dogs find employment everywhere.  In France, restaurants hire dogs to lie around on the floor.  Nearly every good French restaurant has a dog, which patrons have to leap over on their way to the table.  Leaping over dogs keeps the French physically fit.  In addition, people who don't want all their food can quietly slip it to the dog, thereby not offending the chef or the person who paid for the meal.  This also cuts down on the landfill problem.

         Although Americans are not sensible enough to employ dogs in restaurants, my dogs are expert busboys and dishwashers, happily spending hours, for free, on those tough turkey pans.

         Why, you ask with astonishment, would anybody prefer running with a wolf to moseying with a mutt, and why is this feeling considered politically correct?  The answer is complicated and ironic.  Logically, if you grant that wolves are superior to dogs, then cave men must be superior to us. Wolves and cave men were both wild and free, a condition we modern humans and dogs have lost.  Look at what the cave people got to do: They got to eat endangered species, i.e. dinosaurs, probably causing their extinction. They got to wear fur. They got to chop down trees with complete disregard for the owls. They got to smoke. They got to fight their battles with big clubs instead of lawyers, which worked better.

         What wolf worship is really about is, we secretly want to be Neanderthals again. We want to return to the freedom we had before political correctness and billions of laws limited our actions and our speech, and even our very thoughts.  If we would just be honest with ourselves, get rid of most of the laws and political correctness, and quit blaming the dogs for our current stagnation, dogs could return to their rightful spot as Top Canine and we could quit pretending that it's fun to run.

- Daisy Sidewinder

 
 
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