President Saint John the Divine announced today that former President, Jesus Christ has been demoted to Manager of Salvation. He will be reporting to Vice President Leviticus and also to Secretary of State, Daniel. The move is a reflection of a power struggle that has shifted the balance of power to the a combination of Old Testament leaders and the writer of the Declaration of Armageddon, President Divine.
It is unclear whether stoning and other Levitican measures will be applied again. Vice President Leviticus has stated that, it’s better to enforce punishment of the sins rather than to just tell people to love. “The love policies of Jesus were a grand experiment that didn’t work. It’s time to get tough on sin again.” This marks the beginning of President Divine’s WAR ON SIN which is replacing the socialist practices of helping the undeserving poor.
This has become necessary in order to meet the schedule for Armageddon which was been moved up to Modern Times by our Supreme Leader, his Royal Greatness and Highness whose name is Truth.
This schedule had been solidified in meetings by Daniel, President Divine and Christ, establishing the schedule and arrangements for the second coming event and plans for the thousand years of peace by leaving clues of their secret meetings outside the confines of their actual lives.
President Saint John the Divine has asked that the citizens refer to his writings as plan rather than as prophesy and has requested that world leaders secure the correct lands in Israel to meet the schedule.
Manager of Salvation, Christ, said that he will, in his diminished capacity, still provide salvation within his budget but salvation is no longer an entitlement and the new “Ten Percent Rule” will now be applied.
The constitution has been revised. The term “The meek shall inherit…..” has been replaced with “The One Percent shall inherit….”. This is necessary to comply with the new tax laws. Also, only the Ten Commandments and the writings of Leviticus will be printed in red ink.