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The Lemmings that Out-Smirked Wall Street

by Paul Kesler 

Hello, everyone, this is KBX to interview one of the lemmings who's been good enough to extend us a bit of time on their March-for-Life Campaign. You'll pardon us if it's hectic, but the story just broke, and we've rushed to get out here.

Q:  [extending microphone] So, tell me ---- can I call you lemming?  ---- tell us about this march.

A:  Yeah, well --- it started when our leader came to a wave and the thing just seemed to turn black. You know, he stuck his paw in the damned thing, and it came out dripping an awful viscous substance, and that about did it. 

Q:  Did what?

A:   Well, you know the water's been filthy of late......

IN BACKGROUND:  "Hey, dammit, get those cameras outta here ---- there's a march on!"

A:   Like I say, pretty filthy, and when the guy pulled that paw out, it was the last straw, and we knew we couldn't go on.

Q:  You mean, instead of just drowning this time, you decided there was a better way?

A:   Right, it occurred to us that you can only go with one method so long, and the trend wasn't working anymore.

Q:   So you decided to live a while longer.

A:    Uh huh, but we didn't count on the media. All we thought of was
gettin' outta there, and never figured anyone would notice.

Q:    So would you say the attention's been favorable so far?

A:    Tough to say. Most people don't know why we're here, and what we could possibly be bitching about. They're trying to ignore us, thinking the ocean's clean enough, so why are we bitching? Let me tell ya, they haven't stuck their feet in lately, or they'd know.

Q:   But why the march? You think this is the best way to get your message out? 

A:    It's an experiment. We're not exactly large, ya know, and when your average height is 2 inches, you've gotta get militant. Besides, we have no representation, and unions don't exist. 

Q:    But I don't get it. You guys are gonna die anyway, aren't you? So
what's the difference?

A:    See, that's it. Humans think this is suicide. It's not. It's a kind of
lustration, you know what a lustration is? It's like washing the heart with
ice cream. We cleanse our souls as we're journeying into the infinite, and you don't do that with bad water.

Q:    So what else are you agitating for?

A:    Like I said, more resistance ---- better awareness of what's IN the water. This march'll start in the streets, but it won't end there. We're
after Big Money, where it started. 

Q:   And your tactics?

A:    No tactics. Just march up there and wait. We wait till we're noticed, and if we ain't noticed, we'll turn some tricks. You know, humans think we're pretty dumb to walk to our deaths each year, but we've learned a bit about oceans in all this time, and have no compunctions about using 'em. 

Q:    Using 'em? You mean oceans?

IN BACKGROUND:  "Goddam it, get those police OUTTA here or we'll break the dike."

Q:    Hey, that sounds like a threat. You guys really know how to work the oceans?

A:    Well, understand we're not gonna show our hand. Let's just say we're not rookies, and we've got some tricks.

OUT OF SIGHT, IN BACKGROUND: "Alright, everybody. Take your positions and disperse! We'll meet at the planned locations, but MOVE!! 

Q:    Uh, you'll have to excuse --- it's getting frantic here, we'd like to
continue this interview, but  ---- Whoa!! ----- I'm afraid we'll have to
pack up. That sounds like glass ---- it's tough to see with that spray ---
well, you can see the water, it's  worse. I --- we're checking out now ---- hey, Al, did you get that shot of the lemming on the Coke sign? You did? I'm sorry, everyone, but the foam.... 

This is KBX TV on August 27th ---  7:42 P.M. --- thank you, everyone ---- we hope we're back tomorrow.

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